smokeblog
Thursday, February 21, 2002
Day 11, part b
Just daydreaming about a really cold frothy beer and a camel light...
5:33 PM
Day 11
Remember how i said having parent(s) around the second week was a good thing? That was a LIE LIE LIE. Last night mom and i had a huge screaming fight, the likes of which i haven't seen since i was a disgruntled 16 year-old. I am sure that most of the escalation was my fault. I just closed my eyes while she was nagging at me and itched for a camel light. I may have even been twitching from the itch. I could think of nothing else. And then i snapped, and i yelled. Like really yelled, and loud. Which is very very unlike me. Even in our 16 year-old vs. mom fights i was never the one doing the yelling. At least not that i remember.And i was actually thinking while i was yelling, "This is weird. I never yell. I shouldn't be yelling. You're not supposed to yell at your mom. Isn't it against against the rules?" There was that thought, and then there was, coursing just underneath, "I want a fucking cigarette, NOW!"
And as usual, the yelling was about something trivial and unrelated. I apologized, we made up. I kind of want to tell her i'm not myself, but it hardly seems worth it at this late stage. Although i will be working with her in ny for 3 days straight, all day. (did i say All Day?) It has disaster written all over it.
10:48 AM
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Day 10
fuck i want one.
3:45 PM
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
Day 9, part b
It's that 4:30pm hot and stuffy in my office. The 4:30 pm when the machines have been running for 7 hours, and 12 engineers who run them have been giving off their own exhaust. All i want to do is go downstairs out into the fresh air and have a smoke. Again it isn't so much the feel of it in my fingers or the smoke in my lungs (though there definitely is some of that); More i'm missing the ritual, the little breaks in my day where i lean against the side of our building, sometimes crouched on the balls of my feet, and watch the high school kids smoke joints down the street. Usually i'm not thinking at all about work upstairs. Sometimes staring into the open windows of the hospital across the street. Me and a nurse once stared at each other for 10 minutes, as neither of us could really be sure if the other was looking at us.I keep pacing over the window to stare outside, but it's not the same. The not doing anything is too overwhelming. Smoking allows you to not do anything, without having to own up to it. I mean you are doing something, specifically replenishing the nicotine in your bloodstream, but you can wander off and stare at the people at the bus stop without any self-consciousness.
4:38 PM
Day 9
Holy smokes - already?? Note to all quitting smokers: hanging out with the folks the second week is not a bad idea. The first week, you're far too unstable for it - but the second, when you could either fall deeper into madness, or repress repress repress, there's really nothing like parents to pack in the self-denial. So why not use it for good instead of evil?I can't lie, at a slightly tense and abundant family dinner last night all i could think about was a smoke. Less for the nicotine though, and more because i would have liked to hide away behind a tree in my own little secret world for just 7 minutes or so.
10:10 AM
Monday, February 18, 2002
Day 8
Well week one is officially over. Mom came into town yesterday, which proved to be good in a lot of ways. One being that smoking wasn't much of an issue. She thinks that it's been out of my blood for a year, and i sort of play along. Another is that i finally made some serious decisions about some other things, and feel way better about everything now. Seems to have been *me*, not the withdrawal that was bringing me so far down, but i feel better now.The insomnia is getting worse and worse though. I've got to figure out how to get some damn sleep. Someone told me it was because my blood has healthy levels of oxygen now, which it's not used to, so i have a lot of energy. Not sure if that explains the no-sleep, but i certainly am less tired during the days. That part is wonderful, but the insomnia is very bad. I fear trading a nicotine addiction for a sleeping pill one.
10:58 AM
Sunday, February 17, 2002
Day 7
Major craving this morning. It passed though. Mopping in prep for mother's arrival. The worst worst thing about all this, is i can't figure out what part of what is "real", and what part is the necessary roughness of overcoming an addiction.
11:26 AM