smokeblog

Sunday, April 07, 2002

 
Day 54
Nope, haven't posted in a bit. I think that's mostly because the violent physical urges have all but disappeared, and all that's left is this sad sort of yearning, which is really hard to put into words. I barely think about smokes for the bulk of the day, but then once i'm out, at a cafe, or sitting by the canal with a drink and with friends who are invariably smoking... that's when things start to suck unbelievably. Sometimes i can't think of anything else, i can't even follow the conversation. A lot of the time i have to excuse myself and run away. Fast. I've had two slips, but i don't want to think about that. They were gross and i feel horrible about it now. As usual i blame it all on the wine.

But i bought new sandals, reassuring myself that i paid for it with the money i saved in the last 2 months.
2:26 PM

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

 
Day 37
Still craving, still twitching. It feels like i have something really important to do, and once i do it, i'll be a relaxed. But then i think for a second, "No there's nothing thing i need to do. [Pause] There is this one thing that i need *not* to do." Err. And not do forever and ever and ever. But no, we don't think about it like that. Noooooo
9:35 PM

Monday, March 18, 2002

 
Day 35
When all else fails, buy a bottle of really good wine and get good and drunk at home by yourself.
Seriously.
11:45 PM

Thursday, March 14, 2002

 
Day 31
Still hard. Still Hard. Still hard. Spring being here is hard. I can only think about sitting at an outdoor cafe table with a nice glass of white wine in the early evening and a Camel Light. It seems like such a perfect pleasure from here, 31 days away. I try to remind myself that it really wasn't a "pleasure" but more like a "master". One of these days, i will be able to walk by a an outside table in the early evening of spring and not crave a cigarette. I know it. But in how long? 6 months? 6 years? 16 years? It seems like a hellishly long time of misery. I still blame my first boyfriend for all of this.
2:45 PM

Monday, March 11, 2002

 
Day 28...
...and since feb was a short month, also my 1 month anniversary. But hell if it's getting easier. For some reason, seems to be getting harder. Maybe it's Paris. I am having an internal whine-a-thon. Everyone i see smoking (which is pretty much everyone) elicits the thought, "How come s/he get to smoke, huh? How come? How come? HOW COME???"

I try to think:
Phlegm
Cancer
Oxygen Tanks
Wrinkles
4 Euros a day
Holes in favorite sweater.

It's no use, i'm in a full on craving. I reach in my left pocket which is reserved for gum, jolly ranchers, and hard starbursts. I may need to get new candy; the current supply doesn't have the same kick it used to have.

Walking out of the movie theater is kind of like walking into a bar in the city. It's friggin killing me. Maybe i don't have enough people encouraging me over here. The weather's gotten nice, spring-like,. And on my walk to the metro in the morning i still haven't stopped thinking about how nice it'd be. Last night after the movie (The Shipping News - sucked) i was all but beaten, about to bum off some poor soul who'd have to deal with my accent mal. But then i remembered it was the one month mark tomorrow, and i ought to just make it to a month. So i did. No, it's good. It's supposed to get easier soon.
2:36 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002

 
Day 28
An excruciating night, squished in between 5 french smokers on either side. More red wine than entered Moses' most decadent dreams. I tried to suck it up (or not) for a good part of the evening. I watched the lighter make a sparkling connection to the tobacco tip of cigarettes. That perfect lovely crackly sound. The inhale, the catch, the exhale, it's so perfect lovely. I said i wanted to leave. Nils implored me to stay. He said we'd dance. So a few of us danced, each picking up a cigarette at will. Each except me.

I did it for an hour, a half hour, i don't know, it could've been five fucking minutes. But then i fucking had to leave. And i said to myself, if i see someone on the street, alone, smoking, i'll ask them for a cig. No one on the way to the train. On the metro i pulled the brim of my hat as far down as possible. I only saw the ankles of people's pants, and below. I have no idea how much of me they saw, but i figured not much. And so i love my hat.

Somehow no one alone on the way from the train to my house either. I couldn't believe it. There was a man in a group of four other women, but i couldn't begin to interupt that. At least not in french. Even though i was dying to. I got to my building and then i even stood on my corner for awhile, just waiting for a lonely smoker boy, playing it oh-so-cool, to fumble in his coat pocket for Lucky Strike for me. But nothing. And i come home lungs clean as anything.

And now at my computer, a glass of white at my left, just one of them pleeeease. I've held quite a few this evening, with no intention of lighting. And now that i have every intention of lighting one, whoops, he's gone. Fuck. Ok i can go to sleep and feel good about myself tomorrow right? right? right? right? This is harder than anything.
12:26 AM

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

 
Day 24, part b
I'm chain sucking blow pops now. Bad bad bad - since i won't be able to get any more for quite awhile. I should ration, but i'm kinda disjointred at the moment.

I saw a tall slender blonde talking on a cell phone and sucking a delicious cigarette. Everything about it looked wonderful. It didn't seem gross or smelly or addictive when she did it. I bet she'd live forever. I bet she never hacked up phlegm ever. I bet her ashtrays mysteriously emptied themselves, she never ran out of cigs at the most inconvenient time, and never ever dropped one on her favorite sweater, burning a hole in the collar.
11:04 PM

 
Day 24
Opening the individually wrapped Starburst Hard Candy is a bitch. I already dropped one on the carpet this morning and boy did it make me mad. Why do they have to be indivually wrapped anyway? I friggin hate individiual wrapping. Unless it's on of course, the holiest of hard candies, the Jolly Rancher. Now there's a wrapper. Plenty of protection, but damn easy to use. Just pull the two sides and out comes the hard sugary goodness. Or for the pros (like moi) just put the whole thing in your mouth, and pull the wrapper out while holding onto the candy with your teeth. God I Love Jolly Ranchers
12:11 PM